Sometimes It Changes Your Life

"Most times with networking you go out there and nothing comes as a result. But sometimes it changes your life."
(from my tweets, 2015)

In the summer of 2015, almost every tweet I wrote was about networking. I wrote that one of the main reasons I struggled for so many years was that I did zero networking, that I used to network about once a year and now did it about once a week, and that an hour of networking could set you forward years.

I was thinking about careers. But the research on meeting people suggests something bigger. Talking to new people doesn't only open doors. It also tends to make us happier, often right away, and far more than we expect.

Weak ties open doors

In 1973, sociologist Mark Granovetter published one of the most cited papers in social science, "The Strength of Weak Ties." His insight was that our close friends tend to know the same people and hear the same news we do. Acquaintances, the people we know only a little, connect us to other circles. That makes them a surprisingly important source of new information and opportunities, including jobs.

That is the logic behind my old tweet. Most new conversations lead nowhere in particular. But because acquaintances link us to worlds we can't see, every so often one of them leads somewhere we never could have reached alone.

Weak ties also make us happier

Psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn wondered whether these lighter relationships matter for happiness too. In 2014 studies, they had students and adults keep track of their daily social interactions. On days when people interacted with more weak ties, classmates, neighbors, the person at the coffee shop, they reported greater happiness and a stronger sense of belonging. This was true even after accounting for their interactions with close friends and family.

Close relationships matter enormously. But the small, friendly exchanges that fill a day seem to matter too.

We underestimate how good it will feel

So why don't we talk to new people more often? Part of the answer is that we predict it will go badly.

Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder tested this on commuter trains and buses in Chicago in 2014. They asked some riders to start a conversation with a stranger, others to keep to themselves, and others to do whatever they normally did. Beforehand, people predicted that talking to a stranger would be the least pleasant option. Afterward, the people who had talked reported the most pleasant commutes. People also assumed others wouldn't want to talk, but almost no one was rejected.

Later research by Erica Boothby and colleagues found a related pattern they called the liking gap. After conversations with strangers, people consistently underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them and enjoyed talking with them.

In other words, the fear that keeps us from meeting people is usually wrong. Others tend to like us more than we think.

What the philosophers said

Aristotle wrote in the Politics that human beings are by nature social animals. Someone who needs no one, he said, is either a beast or a god. For Aristotle, connection is not a luxury on top of a good life. It is part of what a good life is.

The twentieth-century philosopher Martin Buber went further. In his book I and Thou (1923), he distinguished between treating others as objects to be used and genuinely meeting them as people. "All real living is meeting," he wrote.

That's a useful correction to the word "networking." The best connections don't come from treating people as tools for your career. They come from actually meeting them.

Some honest caveats

Most of these studies measure short-term mood, and they mostly involve people in Western cities. Introverts and extroverts may experience new conversations differently, although Epley and Schroeder found benefits for both. And the career payoff from weak ties is real but unpredictable, as my tweet admitted. Most conversations don't lead to anything you could put on a résumé.

But they often lead to a better day, which is worth something too.

How to meet more people

• Start small. Say a few friendly words to a barista, a neighbor or someone in line.
• Remember the research. When you feel the urge to avoid a conversation, remind yourself that people usually enjoy it more than they expect.
• Go where people are. Classes, clubs, volunteer groups and events give you natural reasons to talk.
• Make it regular. Like my once-a-week rule, a habit beats waiting until you feel like it.
• Be genuinely curious. Ask people about themselves. Meet them, as Buber would say, rather than just working the room.
• Don't count every result. Most conversations won't change your life. Some will. All of them can brighten your day.

Today's reflection

Who is someone you see often but have never really talked to? What might happen if you said hello this week?

Sources

• Aristotle. Politics, Book I, Chapter 2.
• Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., & Clark, M. S. (2018). The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think? Psychological Science, 29(11), 1742–1756.
• Buber, M. (1923/1937). I and Thou (R. G. Smith, Trans.). T. & T. Clark.
• Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980–1999.
• Granovetter, M. S. (1973). The strength of weak ties. American Journal of Sociology, 78(6), 1360–1380.
• Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Social interactions and well-being: The surprising power of weak ties. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(7), 910–922.