Choose to Be Thankful

"There is always a reason to be depressed. There is always a reason to be thankful. Choose to be thankful."
(from my tweets, 2015)

When I wrote that, I was in the middle of years where the results hadn't come yet. I tweeted a lot back then about the hard parts: the disappointments, the people who doubted, the long stretches where nothing seemed to happen. Some days the list of reasons to feel low was long, and every item on it was real.

But so was the other list. Both lists are always there. The question is which one we spend our attention on, and it turns out that question has been studied carefully, by scientists and by philosophers.

What happens when people count their blessings

In 2003, psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough ran a now-famous set of experiments called "Counting Blessings Versus Burdens." They split participants into groups. One group wrote down, each week, up to five things they were grateful for. Another wrote down hassles and irritations. A third simply recorded events.

After ten weeks, the gratitude group felt better about their lives as a whole and more optimistic about the week ahead than the hassles group. They even reported fewer physical complaints and spent more time exercising. In a later version of the study with daily entries, people in the gratitude condition were also more likely to report helping someone else with a personal problem.

Nothing in their circumstances had changed. What changed was where they pointed their attention for a few minutes at a time.

Three good things

Martin Seligman, often called the founder of positive psychology, tested a similar idea with his colleagues in a 2005 study. Participants were asked to write down, each night for one week, three things that went well that day and why they went well.

That was the whole exercise. Yet compared to a placebo exercise, people who did it reported higher happiness and fewer symptoms of depression, and the benefits were still visible six months later, especially for those who kept doing it on their own.

The "why" part matters. Asking why something went well trains you to notice the causes of good things: a friend who showed up, your own effort, a lucky break. Over time, you start to see that good things are not random interruptions in a hard life. They are a steady part of it.

An honest note

Gratitude is not magic. A 2016 meta-analysis by Don Davis and colleagues, which pooled dozens of gratitude studies, found that the benefits are real but modest. Gratitude exercises help, but they are one tool among many.

And gratitude is never a reason to deny real pain. "Choose to be thankful" does not mean "pretend you are fine." If you are struggling with depression that won't lift, gratitude journaling is not a substitute for talking to a doctor or a counselor. The best way to read my old tweet is not "ignore the reasons to be depressed" but "don't let them be the only things you look at."

The philosophers' version

The Stoics built a whole philosophy around this idea of choosing where your mind goes.

Epictetus, who was born into slavery and later became one of Rome's most respected teachers, wrote in his Enchiridion: "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the opinions about things." He didn't mean bad things don't happen. He meant that our judgment of events, what we choose to make of them, is the one part that is always ours.

Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor, opened his private journal, the Meditations, with an entire book of thanks. Book One is a list of the people he was grateful to and what each one taught him: his grandfather for good character, his mother for generosity, his teachers for patience and clear thinking. The most powerful man in the world started his reflections not with his problems, but with his debts of gratitude.

And Cicero went further still. In his speech Pro Plancio, he called gratitude "not only the greatest of the virtues, but the parent of all the others."

How to choose gratitude today

Gratitude is a choice, but it is also a skill, and skills get easier with practice. Here are a few simple ways to start:

• Try "Three Good Things" tonight. Before bed, write down three things that went well today and why. Keep it up for a week and see how you feel.
• Make it specific. "My family" is fine, but "my brother called just to check on me" works better. Specific memories bring the feeling back.
• Do a Marcus Aurelius list. Write down three people who shaped you, and one thing each of them gave you.
• Say it out loud. Tell one person today something you appreciate about them. Gratitude that's expressed tends to strengthen relationships, not just moods.
• Hold both lists. On a hard day, don't argue with the difficulties. Just add one line to the other list.

Today's reflection

When I look back at those hard years, I notice something. The days I chose to be thankful weren't the days when everything went right. They were ordinary days, often difficult ones, where I decided to look at the other list for a while.

There will always be a reason to feel down. That's not pessimism; it's just life. But there will always be a reason to be thankful too. You get to choose which one gets the last word today.

Sources

• Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
• Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410–421.
• Davis, D. E., Choe, E., Meyers, J., Wade, N., Varjas, K., Gifford, A., Quinn, A., Hook, J. N., Van Tongeren, D. R., Griffin, B. J., & Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2016). Thankful for the little things: A meta-analysis of gratitude interventions. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 63(1), 20–31.
• Epictetus. Enchiridion, 5.
• Marcus Aurelius. Meditations, Book I.
• Cicero. Pro Plancio, 80.