Be Good to Others First

"What really matters is that you are a nice person and are good to others. That is #1. Success is #2."
(from my tweets, 2015)

Most of my tweets from that era were about ambition: work harder, risk more, aim higher. So this one stands out. Right in the middle of all that striving, I put success in second place.

Giving was a big part of my life then. I tweeted that I gave 10% of my income to charity, inspired by John D. Rockefeller, who tithed from his very first paychecks. I also wrote, half puzzled: "The thing with giving is that it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make sense to give money when you have no money, but it works."

Back then, I mostly believed giving worked because it seemed to bring good things back to me. Today I'd put it differently. The clearest thing research shows about giving isn't what it does for your bank account. It's what it does for your happiness.

Spending money on others

In 2008, psychologists Elizabeth Dunn, Lara Aknin and Michael Norton published a short, influential paper in the journal Science. In one experiment, they gave people an envelope with $5 or $20 in the morning. Some were told to spend it on themselves, a bill or a treat. Others were told to spend it on someone else, a gift or a donation.

That evening, the people who had spent the money on others were happier than those who spent it on themselves. The amount didn't matter much; $5 spent on someone else did more for people's mood than $20 spent on themselves.

Later work by Aknin and colleagues found the same pattern across many countries, rich and poor. People in very different cultures reported feeling happier when they recalled spending money on someone else. Giving seems to be part of how humans are built.

Why some giving feels better than others

The research also found that not all giving is equal. In a 2013 study, Aknin, Dunn and colleagues found that giving made people happiest when they could see the impact of what they gave, for example knowing exactly what a donation would provide rather than handing money to a vague cause.

Other studies suggest giving feels best when it is freely chosen and when it builds a connection with the person you're helping. Giving out of guilt or pressure tends to feel more like a tax than a gift.

Small acts of kindness

You don't need money to get these benefits. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky and her colleagues ran studies where people were asked to perform five acts of kindness a week for six weeks: holding a door, helping a friend with a task, writing a thank-you note.

Participants who did their acts of kindness all on one day of the week reported a boost in well-being. Interestingly, those who spread the acts thinly across the week didn't show the same lift, possibly because individual small acts blended into their normal routine and stopped feeling special. The lesson isn't to only be kind on Mondays. It's that kindness feels best when it's intentional and noticed, not automatic.

As with most happiness research, the effects are real but modest. Kindness won't fix everything. But it reliably makes days a bit better, both for the person giving and the person receiving.

What the philosophers said

Marcus Aurelius described the ideal attitude toward doing good in a beautiful passage in the Meditations (Book 5.6). He compared a good person to a vine that bears grapes: it produces fruit, and then, in the next season, simply produces fruit again, without asking for praise or keeping a ledger of what it is owed. A good person, he wrote, does a kind act and moves on to the next one.

The medieval philosopher Maimonides went further and ranked forms of charity in his Mishneh Torah. Near the bottom is giving grudgingly. Higher up is giving anonymously, so that the receiver isn't embarrassed. And at the very top is helping someone become self-sufficient, through a loan, a partnership or a job, so they no longer need charity at all.

Both of them point to the same idea: the best giving isn't a transaction. It's an expression of who you are.

How to put others first today

• Spend a little on someone else. Buy a coffee for a coworker or send a small gift for no reason. The research says the amount matters less than the act.
• Give where you can see the impact. Choose a cause or a person where you'll know what your help actually did.
• Try a kindness day. Pick one day this week and do five deliberate acts of kindness. Notice how you feel that evening.
• Help someone stand on their own. Following Maimonides, the most powerful help is often teaching, mentoring or opening a door for someone.
• Don't keep score. Be like Marcus Aurelius's vine. Do the good thing, then move on to the next one.

Today's reflection

I still believe in ambition. But I'm glad that, even in my most driven years, part of me knew the order: be good to others first, and let success come second.

The good news is that you don't have to choose between being kind and being happy. The research suggests they're closely connected. So today, find one way to be good to someone, and let that be your first success of the day.

Sources

• Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., & Norton, M. I. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science, 319(5870), 1687–1688.
• Aknin, L. B., Barrington-Leigh, C. P., Dunn, E. W., Helliwell, J. F., Burns, J., Biswas-Diener, R., Kemeza, I., Nyende, P., Ashton-James, C. E., & Norton, M. I. (2013). Prosocial spending and well-being: Cross-cultural evidence for a psychological universal. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(4), 635–652.
• Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E. W., Whillans, A. V., Grant, A. M., & Norton, M. I. (2013). Making a difference matters: Impact unlocks the emotional benefits of prosocial spending. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 88, 90–95.
• Lyubomirsky, S., Sheldon, K. M., & Schkade, D. (2005). Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change. Review of General Psychology, 9(2), 111–131.
• Marcus Aurelius. Meditations, 5.6.
• Maimonides. Mishneh Torah, Laws of Gifts to the Poor, 10:7–14.